i.
I pride myself on
my great ability to
console dumb preteens.

ii.
haiku is fun but
somehow always leads me to
being a moron.

iii.
someday, I will hold
entire conversations
in haiku. how grand.

I look forward to
this day with the excitement
of a thousand gnomes.

that made no sense, but
followed the syllable rules.
man, I abuse those.

iv.
it is five am.
why the fuck am I still here,
writing bad haiku?

v.
the word haiku has
two syllables. how very
convenient, no?

I definitely
cheat in all of my haiku.
I am a loser.

fuck, I should be in
bed, not counting out words on
my fingers and desk.

vi.
I cannot sleep, so
I am writing very bad
haiku on things.

I wrote one about
someone we both like a lot,
so I shall share it.

I hope you enjoy.
it is very silly, but
it is five AM.

vii.
the joker: ha ha
ha ha ha ahee aha
why so serious?

viii.
okay. I am going
to try and sleep now. hope you
are having good times.

ix.
I leave rather strange
messages for people when
they are not online.

x.
I should really find
out whether the plural of
"haiku" is "haikus".

luckily, I have
dictionary.com in
my custom search bar.

no, I was correct.
"haiku" times two is haiku.
wow, that rhymes, go me.

xi.
hallucinating
pluto is a place in which
I am often weird.

hallucinating
is a rather long word, but
I never re'lized.

that definitely
barely counts. I should be shot.
the sun is rising.

xii.
mashed potato squid
alligator octopus
panda bear cupcake.

that sounds like a poor
nickname for a girlfriend or
paperclip holder.

I think I give up.
these are just fucking weird. pie
stapler video.

xiii.
oh my fucking god,
I need to go the fuck to
bed. or a clinic.

BECAUSE I AM A
STRAIGHT-UP FREAK, FOR SURE, OH GOD
I CANNOT STOP THIS.

I WILL BE WRITING
HAIKU UNTIL I DIE A
SWEET, MERCIFUL DEATH.

xiv.
so, in conclusion,
I am def. a maniac,
and I still can't stop.

xv.
I am a haiku.
I am being abused by
a horrible girl.

please send help. there is
no sign that the beating will
end anytime soon.

oh, god, it hurts so.
no! she is coming my way!
tell my wife I love--